Yukon Ho!
by garfieldodie
Summary: When Dad throws out the TV, Calvin immiedietly shouts out TO THE YUKON! Is this a good idea? Of course not. But getting there is half the fun!


It was early Saturday morning at Calvin's house. He and Hobbes had awoken at the crack of dawn, and after annoying the heck of Mom and Dad by romping up and down the stairs, they were currently eating cereal and toast in front of the TV. Hobbes only ate the toast for obvious reasons.

"Now _this_ is livin' it. Waking up at the crack of dawn, racing each other up and down the stairs, watching cartoons with the volume turned to maximum power, eating sugary cereal and doing nothing are all the key elements to making sure that you lead a perfect life," Calvin said wistfully.

"Has it worked for us?" Hobbes asked.

"No brothers or sisters so far," Calvin grinned.

"Ooh, you wasckawy wabbit! I'm gonna bwast ya!" said the voice on the TV.

"Oh, _sure _ya are!" Calvin laughed.

"OKAY, THAT DOES IT!" a voice shouted.

Calvin's head jerked up at the sudden outburst. "Huh?"

Dad stormed in and grabbed the TV. He yanked it off the stand and put it in the trashcan. He wrapped up the bag and hurled it out the window.

Calvin sat on the couch with his jaw hanging on its hinges. He turned dark red. Hobbes quickly dove under the couch in fear as Dad faced him again. The walls on the house were bent from the force of what came next.

"**_WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?_**" Calvin hollered.

"When I was a kid, I actually did something worthwhile. I didn't sit around on my butt all day watching television! I went outside and got lots of exercise."

"And you think _I_ care? Put that TV back right this instant, or face serious consequences."

Dad responded by hurtling Calvin out the door with a small stuffed tiger sailing out behind him. "Get some exercise! Have some fun! DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE!" He slammed the door shut.

"Well, _that _was out of line," Hobbes groaned, pushing himself onto his feet.

"I can't believe him!" Calvin yelled. "Dad just won't except that we come from a generation without exercise. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to do something really big, and I think _you_ should do the same."

"What makes you think I'm going to do something you say?"

"Because I'll tell everyone about your little balding problem."

Although you couldn't tell, Hobbes went pale. Also, he didn't know the problem was actually just shedding.

"Okay, fine. What do you want me to do?"

"Help me secede from the conflagration that we once called home."

"You mean we're leaving the good ol' USA?"

"'Fraid so, Hobbes. We've been living in tyranny for too long. Besides, this country isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"What do you mean?"

"We're polluting the air just because if we didn't, we'd loose business, and we're apparently gonna need that business as we slowly evolve into a bunch of black lunged ocean dwellers."

"Okay, I'll admit that would be a good reason."

"That, and we're going to go somewhere with unlimited television."

"Where are we gonna go?"

"Somewhere with loads of snow, perhaps a ski jump, no school and loads of hills."

"And this place would be…?"

"THE YUKON!"

Hobbes looked down at his little human friend with an expression of confusion and curiosity.

"You've been putting a lot of serious work into this, haven't you?"

"I have a lot free time."

"But why the Yukon?"

Calvin thought for a moment. "It's in _Canada_."

"Well, that's good enough for me."

"Good! The Yukon it is!"

Soon, they were up in Calvin's room packing everything into a suitcase.

"Okay, let's go over the checklist," Calvin said.

"Right."

"GROSS Handbook?"

"Check."

"Stupendous Man outfit?"

"Check."

"Peanut Butter and bread?"

"Check."

"Tuna."

"Checkarooni."

"Comic books?"

"Check."

"Walkie-Talkies?"

"Check."

"More tuna?"

"Double check."

"Toboggan."

"Check."

"Okay," Calvin said, rolling up the long list. "We're all set."

"Wait!" Hobbes said. "You forgot to say 'extra tuna'."

Calvin sighed. "Oh, excuse me. Extra tuna?"

"It's in there."

"Great! Let's prepare for takeoff!"

Hobbes lifted up the toboggan and put in the familiar cardboard box. Calvin quickly put on a space helmet while he got in. He reached over the edge and turned the familiar paper arrow. He turned it past the words _TRANSMOGRIFIER_, _DUPLICATOR_ and _TIME MACHINE_. He stopped it at _AIRPLANE_.

"Let's just hope this flight goes smoothly," Hobbes said uneasily.

"Ah, you worry too much. You should feel lucky that the airplane feature was easy to build."

There was a small rumble as the strange plane sprouted cardboard wings that were duct taped on.

"Something tells me it was a little _too_ easy," Hobbes said.

"Shut up and let's fly."

Calvin quickly hit a few buttons and they lifted into the air. He pulled the steering wheel and they flew out the window.

"There, see? No problem! We'll be in Canada in no time!"

As he looked around to admire the view, Hobbes noticed the whole box was beginning to shudder and shake.

"Uh, Calvin?"

"Not now. Onward!"

In that instant, the box stopped working and smashed on the ground in the rose bushes.

"You want I should push?" Hobbes snorted.

Calvin ignored him. "It'll take too long to fix it manually. We'll need to find a new way to do this." He looked around and spotted the rickety old wagon sitting in the shade of the oak tree.

Hobbes gulped. "Do we at least get peanuts and pretty stewardesses?"

"Trust me. This time we're gonna be rockin' without stoppin'!"

In a matter of minutes, Calvin and Hobbes had their bags and the toboggan loaded into the wagon.

"Ready for blast off?"

"First let me check the deduction on my insurance policy," Hobbes replied, pulling out a sheet of paper.

Calvin grunted and made the wagon roll onto the road downhill.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Hobbes called.

"No! Hang on!"

They swerved out onto the road and picked up speed.

Hobbes looked behind them as the house disappeared into the distance.

"Odd. I haven't thrown up yet!" He looked around again. "Do you suppose we'll get a ticket for driving in the wrong lane?"

"What kind of idiot would give a six year old a ticket?" Calvin snorted.

At that moment they heard sirens behind them. Calvin looked over his shoulder and spotted a police car was after them.

"He looks like the idiot type…," Hobbes said.

"Hold on! We'll lose him in the woods!"

They skidded around a corner and rocketed down the road. They saw that construction work was going on just ahead. There was a board on a barrel in front of the pileup. Calvin veered straight towards it. Hobbes covered his eyes. The wagon flew up the ramp and over the gap in the road. They landed bumpily and sailed off into woods.

"How do ya feel, Hobbes?" Calvin called.

"Like a copyright violation," Hobbes replied.

They went bumpily along past rocks and trees until the wagon bashed into a rock. They were instantly flung into the air for about half a mile until they landed safely in a pile of leaves. The toboggan and their bags landed on their heads.

"Owie," Hobbes moaned.

"Well, at least we're alive," Calvin said, getting up. "Next stop: THE YUKON!"

"Are you gonna yell each time you mention that place?"

"U-yup."

Hobbes picked up the toboggan and trudged after Calvin into the dangerous woods. "Are you sure about this?" he asked.

"No. Come on."

Hobbes sighed.

Back at home, Mom entered the living room for the first time that day.

"Dear, where's Calvin?"

"I sent him outside to do something. He's been spending too much time in front of the TV."

Mom looked around. "Where is the TV?"

"I put it away for a while."

"Wait, did you throw it out the window again?"

Dad sank a little into the chair. "Maybe?"

Mom sighed. "You need to be more careful with your actions. You're only going to make Calvin come back home with an angry mob again."

"Fine, fine. I'll go find him."

Dad got up and left. He searched the backyard, calling Calvin's name. He didn't have much luck, as Calvin was long gone. He did find skid marks leading out of the driveway from the wagon, and he was soon on Calvin's trail.

Calvin and Hobbes were slowly trudging through the woods.

"This toboggan is heavy," Hobbes wheezed. "Aren't we supposed to ride this thing?"

"Too bumpy," Calvin decided, tipping his space helmet. "We need to use it anyway for a weapon in case we can't sack a walrus."

"Eew," Hobbes sniffed. "What say we make some sandwiches instead?"

"Oh fine, be a sissy."

Hobbes reached into the duffel bag and pulled out the peanut butter and bread.

Calvin also reached in and pulled out the globe they'd packed.

"Let's see… According to this, we should currently be in Utah. We should arrive at the border to Canada within the next two hours. We'd better hustle. If we make it an hour early, we might be able to bag a moose!"

"I don't wanna hustle. I wanna take a nap."

"Okay, fine. Nap. See if _I_ care!"

Hobbes lay down on a rock and dozed off.

Calvin then pulled out the GROSS Logbook. He began to write down, "November 12: _We have made lots of progress, but it seems ol' President and First Sissy Hobbes wants to nap instead. A demerit for delaying the journey shall be administered when we arrive at the Yukon. Currently, we are in an uncharted area of Utah, and that is pretty good, as far as I know. We are hopefully going to make it to the other end of the state within the next fifteen minutes. Things have been difficult. We met a rather nasty frog who had the dumb idea to get its tongue stuck to my head. The frog was hurled into the lake and sent to bed without supper. We shall record more progress once we've reached the Great Lakes._"

He closed the logbook and stuck it back in the duffel bag.

Hobbes finally stirred and awoke. He had the toboggan tossed to him.

"Come on!" Calvin yelled impatiently.

Hobbes grouchily picked up the toboggan and they trudged on some more.

Dad had reached the end of the block and turned the corner. He saw some police cops interviewing the construction workers.

"Excuse me?" he asked them. "I'm looking for my son. He's about six years old, has yellow spiky hair and a stuffed tiger, and most likely he was riding a wagon. Have you seen him?"

Everyone looked at each other and then back at him.

A policeman stepped forward. "Your son just flew through here about a half hour ago. He jumped the hole over there and disappeared through the forest in his wagon. And might I add allowing your son to ride a wagon on the freeway in oncoming traffic is considered bad parenting in this state?"

Dad stretched his collar and walked past as fast as he could. "CALVIN!" he shouted.

Calvin and Hobbes slowly ground to a halt in the middle of the forest.

"Come on, Hobbes!" Calvin gasped. "We need to keep going! According to the globe, we should almost be at Omaha!"

"You're probably reading that thing backwards," Hobbes snapped. "We're lost and we're doomed and lost and doomed and lost and, most importantly, doomed!"

"Oh, shut up! You're lucky this isn't the navy, or else you'd be deported."

"You do not know how much I'd like that! I wanna go home!" Hobbes whined.

"You big sissy, suck it up! We're nearly there!"

"We are not! We're still in the same state! We've only been gone for forty-five minutes! You can keep going! _I'm_ going home!"

Hobbes dropped the toboggan and stomped off into the woods.

"Hey!" Calvin yelled. "Get back here! You don't expect me to carry this on my own, do you? This is an outrage! I'M THE CAPTAIN! YOU CAN'T DISOBEY _ME_!"

"I can do whatever I want!" Hobbes shot back. He disappeared into the wilderness.

Calvin kicked the toboggan. "Ah, who needs ya? I can do this all on my own! You'll see when I'm rich and famous and on the news tonight for reaching the Yukon and killing the walrus! You'll see! You'll see!" He stomped off in the opposite direction.

Hobbes ignored the yells and carried on, feeling quite proud. "Heh, that idiot will probably get lost in the middle of nowhere. I can hear him now! He'll be _begging _me to come and help him, but I won't though. He'll die out there, and I'll laugh and laugh at him. Ha!"

He carried on and continued to laugh. That is, until he heard a familiar yell.

"HELP!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Gee, I wonder who _that_ could be. As if I didn't already know."

He turned on his heel and ran back to Calvin. He saw Calvin. He was on his back with his stuff, and a towering over him was what appeared to be a giant deer. Hey, to you it seems like nothing, but to Calvin, this thing was huge. It was twice his size.

"Help me!" Calvin called. "Don't you have any decency? Help me out here!"

Hobbes did just what he said he'd do: laugh. He doubled over in laughter.

"It's not funny!" Calvin snorted. "I'm being attacked by a dumb animal here! Get me out of here!"

"Aww, has poor Cally been attacked by a cute widdle deer? Poor widdle guy!" Hobbes jeered.

The deer licked Calvin's face.

"Eew, yuck! It's slurping me! Deer germs! Get it off! It's going to eat me! Get it off!"

Just then, Dad scrambled into the scene. He shooed the deer away and helped Calvin up.

"Dad?" Calvin asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, this isn't easy for me, but I'm here to, er…apologize."

Calvin arched an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"I'm saying I'm sorry. I overreacted. I'm just tired of seeing you waste your precious youth on television. You're wasting your life away. You're not using your leisure time constructively. You need to do something with it."

"Dad, your problem is that if it were up to you, leisure would be as bad as work."

Dad sighed. "Come on. Let's get you home."

Calvin grabbed Hobbes and his stuff, and they went back up the through the woods for home.

"You didn't raise a darned paw," Calvin hissed at his stuffed tiger.

Calvin and Hobbes were later relaxing on the bed.

"Well, lesson learned, Hobbes," Calvin said. "Never try to secede from your family because your parents got a little crazy."

"A life lesson indeed," Hobbes agreed.

"CALVIN!" Mom shouted. "I need you to start cleaning that room!"

Calvin groaned and looked at Hobbes.

"Do you want me to repack everything?" Hobbes asked.

"Naw. Just warm up the Transmogrifier. We're gonna change into a deer and kill Mom."

Hobbes sighed and helped Calvin salvage the old cardboard box. The fun never stops around here.


End file.
